Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
