M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
