guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
