Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
