Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
