so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
