Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
