Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
im about as happy as oj after his trial
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
