Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
