So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize