Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
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