The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
