my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
