i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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