oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
