her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
