If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
