I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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