Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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