those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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