Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
