ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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