so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
