his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
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The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
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Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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