you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
this just has baby written all over it
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
