Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
