dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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