Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
