do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
