omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Two words: nipple clamps
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