he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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