I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
