I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
