Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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