I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
