Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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