he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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