I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
