I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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