Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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