My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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