My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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