Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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