Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
