I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
