Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
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I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
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And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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