Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My first STD was from a foam party
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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