Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
