I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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