Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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