I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
