I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
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i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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