i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
