Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
